Emotional Vampires
An emotional vampire is a type of energy vampire. Judith Orloff, MD, in an article she wrote on the topic offers a definition of the latter:
Some people bring unexpected lightness and comfort to your life. They crackle with energy, practically electrify you with their presence. And then there are those who leave you feeling stressed out. Or guilty. Or exhausted down to your very last molecule. I call them energy vampires, and obnoxious or meek, they come in all forms. The sob sister, for one, always considers herself the victim. The world is always against her, and she’ll recount every horrible thing that has happened to her, wallowing in every perceived slight. The charmer is a constant talker or joke-teller who has to be the center of attention. The blamer, on the other hand, doles out endless servings of guilt. And then there’s the drama queen, the co-worker who claims she almost died from a high fever or the neighbor who lives in extremes of emotion—life is unbelievably good or horrifically bad.
In this post I want to deal with a specific type of energy vampire: the emotional vampire.
The first thing you notice with these people is that they come off as being nice - a bit too nice. There is a certain compulsion in their niceness that makes you feel slightly uneasy. You feel they are trying a bit too hard. They shower you with compliments every time they see you (e.g. “You look amazing. I looove that hat!”) but you feel these compliments are not directed at any particular object nor that the objects themselves really deserve such effusive praise. In fact, the objects are used in service of the underlying reason for the compliments but do not really cause them. That is why you feel there is a certain phoniness about them - and you’re right - because the compliments are not really about the objects they are supposedly referring to. The underlying reason you’re being complimented is so that you compliment back. These people want to be validated, so they give out phony validations so as to cause reciprocation. They try to make you feel good by saying something nice that isn’t really true, so that you do the same for them. Little do they care that the reciprocation is forced and phony too. It is not truth that matters to them, a substitute will do.
When you first meet those people you might have the mistaken impression that these persons value you. But they don’t. They don’t even value themselves, which is the root reason why they’re even engaging in this pathetic behavior. To add insult to injury, they become angry if you don’t engage in the same behavior and conclude that if you don’t, you don’t really “love” them or “appreciate” them. They have mistaken emotional hunger for love.
People who are emotional vampires tend to talk a lot, ramble almost. When they talk you don’t feel they are even listening to what you’re saying. You feel like a spectator instead of an active participant.
Another telling characteristic of emotional vampires is that they give you roles and titles very early in the game when you clearly do not deserve them. They will say you are a “good friend” even though you feel such a characterisation was unwarranted. For instance, let’s say you just met a person like that and you have your first or second pleasant day together, even though it was obvious during the day that you both had a great time together, they will text you right after you parted with something like: “Didn’t we just have the most awesome time?” Then 30 seconds later, without waiting for your reply they will say: “We should do this again sometime. You’re a great friend.”
But you are not a great friend. You are just a guy or gal that had some good times with someone they just met. Thus, the uneasiness you feel in your chest or stomach. You feel you just signed up for something - but it was they that put your signature there. Your autonomy has been compromised. But it’s difficult to express what you feel because there is no clear way to respond to those people without coming off as impolite. Yet you still feel that heaviness in your chest - you know something doesn’t feel right about this situation but you don’t know exactly what.
These people can’t get enough of anything good that is given to them. So they will ask you to reiterate what you thought was obvious to both at the time it was happening. Because they want to relive their experiences. Kind of like someone who just ate a steak and when they’re done instead of enjoying the moment start talking about it incessantly till they force you to add your comment on it and validate their experience - even though you might have naturally not wanted to comment on it at all. It’s forced - you feel like they are making you regurgitate it so they can taste it once more, but by the time it has gone to your stomach and back - it tastes like puke. But these people don’t care because it is not the taste that matters to them but the act of feeding. They never really received all the “love food” they needed so they desperately rehearse the act of feeding even when there’s no food there to chew.
